Welcome to the wonderful world of how “NOT” to make a game. Today our subject is Aquaman for the Gamecube videogame console, sure you may be thinking it is Aquaman and it is aDC comic book game so how good could it honestly be? Well my friends this game makes Superman 64 seem like Halo in comparison and that is not an understatement. Never in my years of gaming have I seen such a rushed product, hell even the Matrix game had more polish than this turd. Newcomer developer Funny Chicken (seriously that is their name) have certainly showed that they have almost zero talent in game development and if anyone ever gives them a game project ever again they should be shot. With all the bad talk, cheap stabs, and avoidance of puns let’s dive into (there is my first one!) what could easily be the worst game I have ever played.
Coming Up For Air
I know what you are thinking, you can say this game sucks all you want but unless you have words to back it up then it doesn’t do any good. Well I have said words and now plan to share them with you, how lucky are you?? Well for starters this is a game about Aquaman, sure everyone knows who he is, in the circle of Super Friends he was the bitch of the bunch. Talking to fish and controlling the water was just many of his amazing feats. Well in The Battle For Atlantis you can use such classic mechanics such as the grappling hook and even Aqua’s nifty submarine. Most of the levels however simply consist of swimming from point a to point b to punch another villain into oblivion. Yes it really is that boring and monotonous. You will find yourself dragging onto the next level in hopes that it could possibly pertain some sort of fun factor but I assure you this game is devoid of anything even remotely entertaining.
Controls Like Muddy Water
The combat is simple enough that anyone can understand it, attacks consist of the A, X, and Y buttons and they can also be strung together to perform combos. The problem arises when you realize that this game has the absolute worse response time in the history of gaming. Mashing the buttons too fast or at just the right pace will result in the same function, not what you wanted. When in combat Aquaman locks onto one character and you have the option of whaling the buttons or dashing away, and most enemies take two to three punches before the simple disappear into thin air, or should I say shallow water hehehe.
Polishing A Turd
We all the know the phrase and probably use it more than we should but it’s true, shit cannot be spun into gold and Aquaman is definitely a great big pile of dung. Not only does it play like crap but it also looks like it was coded in a week. The textures are pitiful and the level design is simply disgusting. I could have done a better job on my Etch a Sketch seriously. Of course everything takes place underwater so expect to see bubbles and…..and….well buildings beyond that there isn’t much to see beyond endless blue. There are also invisible walls that Aquaman runs into if he tries to stray out of the boundaries but no worries. Remember the little arrows in Superman 64 pointing you to your next objective, they clutter this game just like in the before mentioned classic and serve just as much purpose. Now to talk about the sound……there ya go. No voice overs, all cut scenes are done using comic book panels, and the sound effects range from soft punch to harder punch and seriously couldn’t push the capabilities in my PC speaker.
Let His Hippy Ass Drown
Well ladies and gents I am sure you can gather from this review that this game sucks, well you can’t gather enough because there aren’t any words that describe this games craptacular (heh PA fans get that one.) goodness. Even Aquaman’s long flowing blonde hair can’t make this game a winner, even for fans of the comic this game is an absolute disgrace. Superman fans rejoice there is finally a game that sucks worse than your hero’s darkest day. Simply put this game deserves a place in gaming history as one of the worst titles to ever be released, perhaps the Lobo game will be better…then again probably not. DC should really have better quality assurance when it comes to their games, not even recommended to give to your worst enemy!
