Your Game Sucks: Street Fighter Edition

Your Game Sucks: Street Fighter Edition

Hey! Listen up! I’m tired of all you people playing stupid games, so I decided to crash this little party and tell you how it is. I’m Punchfister, and your game sucks.

First up, Street Fighter. I can’t understand how this game series has been around as long as it has. With a billion different versions and sequels, all of which have never really improved the series, why has this franchise continued sell? It really does blow my mind. This is why I would like to say, Super Street Fighter IV, you suck.

First off, let me just say, I like fighting games. I really do. I just find the Street Fighter franchise to be boring as hell. I mean, do we really need 5 iterations of the same game with a few game balances? No, we don’t. Make the game right the first time. If you did, you wouldn’t have to make another one, Capcom. We’d all still be playing the original Street Fighter. You have 6 different attack buttons that have a big margin of what damage it causes and how much damage it causes. Let’s not even get into special attacks and target combos. If I wanted to calculate damage and hit points, I’d play Final Fantasy…or do Algebra.

Now for the story, oh, that’s right, the story is one of the most convoluted pieces of crap ever vomited on a game disk. Let’s just take a look at the order of the Street Fighter Franchise. Street Fighter 1, Street Fighter II, Street Fighter IV, Street Fighter III. Someone needs to teach Capcom how to count. Ok. But that’s not even counting the Alpha series, and there are 3 of those. Also, where the hell does the EX series fall? The only thing you need to know is M. Bison is the bad guy, Guile is trying to stop him, and this happens over and over again. You know what? Just watch the movie with Van Damme in it. That makes more sense than this garbage. Just make sure you do it on a Tuesday.

Do you guys even try any more when it comes to making new characters?

Let’s not forget the characters. You have Ryu. Then you have 5 characters that play just like Ryu. THEN Arcade Edition comes out you pay $15 for two more characters that play like Ryu, one of them being Ryu again. This isn’t Ryu Fighter, is it? Just dress up Guile in a Karate Gi and give him fireballs. Also, I realized when I got older that Capcom is full of blatant, unapologetic racists. First off, you have Guile. He’s an American. We know this because he has a freakin’ American flag tattooed on his giant arm muscles. How about Zangief? From the USSR a giant of a man, who at the end of Street Fighter II, does a Russian Leg Dance with the Soviet president. You think I’m kidding? Look it up. Of course, T. Hawk a Mayan from Mexico still dresses like he’s in the 1840’s with the feather in his headband and a frilled leather vest whose companion is a Hawk. As a kid, I guess the racism just never dawned on me.

Now that’s all superficial complaints, the mechanics of the game are what really gets to me. So you block by holding back on the directional pad or arcade stick, or analog stick – that’s another thing, why do we need a million different devices to play a fighting game? But, yeah, the blocking is done by holding back. So what ends up happening is both players hold back and hope that when they hit an attack button, the other player dozed off while waiting. The game’s a block-fest. Boring. These matches end up being two guys crying, “Not in the face!” until one of them straps on a pair and actually throws a punch. If I wanted to watch that crap, I’d spend more time behind high schools. When you want to pull of an Ultra or Super combo, most of the characters require you to do some sort of double move, double quarter circle forwards/back. Stuff like that. What ends up happening is a person about to lose desperately tries to get off their ultra attack. It ends up looking like the character is having an epileptic seizure or that thing where people curse a lot. What’s that called? Turrets?

Anyway, the player does a million quarter circle forwards desperately trying to get off their move only to have it blocked, and be beaten anyways. Lame. There is also this wonderful thing called Wake-up Shoryukens. A Shoryuken is a special attack that can be done automatically when the character gets up. Ruy has a Shoryuken. That means over half the character roster has a Shoryuken. Now, there are players out there that just love to spam that move over and over and over and over and over again. I honestly thought for the longest time that Street Fighter IV only had Ryu and Ken. That’s all I fought against when the game first came out.

More like turn off the game and get my monies back.

So, let’s say you’ve never played a Street Fighter game before, well, don’t try to learn using the training mode in SSFIV. They have this mode where if gives you a combo to try to pull off, but they give the real names of the attacks instead of the button inputs. I played a good amount of Street Fighter before but even I can’t tell you what a Rekkukyaku is. Looks to me like a developer fell asleep while typing up the move names and his head hit the keyboard. So you have to constantly hit the back button to see the button inputs. How to they expect me to pull off a 7 hit combo when I’m having to repeatedly hit the back button during a combo to see what the move actually is?

I tell you, Capcom has really shown support for Street Fighter IV…by way of making you have to pay for the update. So, Street Fighter IV came out. A ton of people bought it. People liked it for some reason, and decided to have tournaments. Then, a year later, they release SUPER Street Fighter IV. Oh, man, I know where this is going. You have to buy a whole new game. Yes, it did have more characters, but the real reason besides wanting more money out of the players, was that they wanted to update and balance the game. This year, we get Super Street Fighter IV: Arcade Edition. Wow, really pushing the character limit on the box there. That didn’t add as many characters, split the install base because people who had just Super couldn’t play against people with Arcade Edition, AND rebalanced the game again AKA nerfed all the characters that I use. The problem is, you have to pay to keep up with the crowd, especially if you want to play in tournaments.

So, in conclusion, Street Fighter IV and all its different versions just suck. I have found in my trek through the game that newcomers can’t learn how to play the game, Capcom forces its customers to buy a new version every single year, and the game is racist. Do you want to support a game like that? I sure as hell don’t. For those of you who answered yes, enjoy Super Street Fighter Alpha EX Turbo Ultimate Hadouken Arcade Edition next year.

I am Derek. You are not. Sucks to be you.

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