Your Game Sucks: Street Fighter Edition

Hey! Listen up! I’m tired of all you people playing stupid games, so I decided to crash this little party and tell you how it is. I’m Punchfister, and your game sucks.

First up, Street Fighter. I can’t understand how this game series has been around as long as it has. With a billion different versions and sequels, all of which have never really improved the series, why has this franchise continued sell? It really does blow my mind. This is why I would like to say, Super Street Fighter IV, you suck.

First off, let me just say, I like fighting games. I really do. I just find the Street Fighter franchise to be boring as hell. I mean, do we really need 5 iterations of the same game with a few game balances? No, we don’t. Make the game right the first time. If you did, you wouldn’t have to make another one, Capcom. We’d all still be playing the original Street Fighter. You have 6 different attack buttons that have a big margin of what damage it causes and how much damage it causes. Let’s not even get into special attacks and target combos. If I wanted to calculate damage and hit points, I’d play Final Fantasy…or do Algebra.

Now for the story, oh, that’s right, the story is one of the most convoluted pieces of crap ever vomited on a game disk. Let’s just take a look at the order of the Street Fighter Franchise. Street Fighter 1, Street Fighter II, Street Fighter IV, Street Fighter III. Someone needs to teach Capcom how to count. Ok. But that’s not even counting the Alpha series, and there are 3 of those. Also, where the hell does the EX series fall? The only thing you need to know is M. Bison is the bad guy, Guile is trying to stop him, and this happens over and over again. You know what? Just watch the movie with Van Damme in it. That makes more sense than this garbage. Just make sure you do it on a Tuesday.

Do you guys even try any more when it comes to making new characters?

Let’s not forget the characters. You have Ryu. Then you have 5 characters that play just like Ryu. THEN Arcade Edition comes out you pay $15 for two more characters that play like Ryu, one of them being Ryu again. This isn’t Ryu Fighter, is it? Just dress up Guile in a Karate Gi and give him fireballs. Also, I realized when I got older that Capcom is full of blatant, unapologetic racists. First off, you have Guile. He’s an American. We know this because he has a freakin’ American flag tattooed on his giant arm muscles. How about Zangief? From the USSR a giant of a man, who at the end of Street Fighter II, does a Russian Leg Dance with the Soviet president. You think I’m kidding? Look it up. Of course, T. Hawk a Mayan from Mexico still dresses like he’s in the 1840’s with the feather in his headband and a frilled leather vest whose companion is a Hawk. As a kid, I guess the racism just never dawned on me.

Now that’s all superficial complaints, the mechanics of the game are what really gets to me. So you block by holding back on the directional pad or arcade stick, or analog stick – that’s another thing, why do we need a million different devices to play a fighting game? But, yeah, the blocking is done by holding back. So what ends up happening is both players hold back and hope that when they hit an attack button, the other player dozed off while waiting. The game’s a block-fest. Boring. These matches end up being two guys crying, “Not in the face!” until one of them straps on a pair and actually throws a punch. If I wanted to watch that crap, I’d spend more time behind high schools. When you want to pull of an Ultra or Super combo, most of the characters require you to do some sort of double move, double quarter circle forwards/back. Stuff like that. What ends up happening is a person about to lose desperately tries to get off their ultra attack. It ends up looking like the character is having an epileptic seizure or that thing where people curse a lot. What’s that called? Turrets?

Anyway, the player does a million quarter circle forwards desperately trying to get off their move only to have it blocked, and be beaten anyways. Lame. There is also this wonderful thing called Wake-up Shoryukens. A Shoryuken is a special attack that can be done automatically when the character gets up. Ruy has a Shoryuken. That means over half the character roster has a Shoryuken. Now, there are players out there that just love to spam that move over and over and over and over and over again. I honestly thought for the longest time that Street Fighter IV only had Ryu and Ken. That’s all I fought against when the game first came out.

More like turn off the game and get my monies back.

So, let’s say you’ve never played a Street Fighter game before, well, don’t try to learn using the training mode in SSFIV. They have this mode where if gives you a combo to try to pull off, but they give the real names of the attacks instead of the button inputs. I played a good amount of Street Fighter before but even I can’t tell you what a Rekkukyaku is. Looks to me like a developer fell asleep while typing up the move names and his head hit the keyboard. So you have to constantly hit the back button to see the button inputs. How to they expect me to pull off a 7 hit combo when I’m having to repeatedly hit the back button during a combo to see what the move actually is?

I tell you, Capcom has really shown support for Street Fighter IV…by way of making you have to pay for the update. So, Street Fighter IV came out. A ton of people bought it. People liked it for some reason, and decided to have tournaments. Then, a year later, they release SUPER Street Fighter IV. Oh, man, I know where this is going. You have to buy a whole new game. Yes, it did have more characters, but the real reason besides wanting more money out of the players, was that they wanted to update and balance the game. This year, we get Super Street Fighter IV: Arcade Edition. Wow, really pushing the character limit on the box there. That didn’t add as many characters, split the install base because people who had just Super couldn’t play against people with Arcade Edition, AND rebalanced the game again AKA nerfed all the characters that I use. The problem is, you have to pay to keep up with the crowd, especially if you want to play in tournaments.

So, in conclusion, Street Fighter IV and all its different versions just suck. I have found in my trek through the game that newcomers can’t learn how to play the game, Capcom forces its customers to buy a new version every single year, and the game is racist. Do you want to support a game like that? I sure as hell don’t. For those of you who answered yes, enjoy Super Street Fighter Alpha EX Turbo Ultimate Hadouken Arcade Edition next year.

I am Derek. You are not. Sucks to be you.

Have your say!

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  1. Nice review on the Street Fighter franchise. You and I share the same hatred towards this game and that is a good thing considering many fanboys and fangirls love this garbage and will probably bash me. Capcom never learns to tell you the truth, but can you blame them? It’s because of the fans that they are still in business unfortunately, but one day Capcom will cease to exist unless they change their ways. Milking franchises and adding extra racism is not the way to go. A friend of mine visited Japan and said that on the outside the Japanese seem kind and share a sense of hospitality but on the inside they hate you and will always think they are the best race, and this clearly shows in all the Street Fighter games. Ryu and Honda have the humble stages while the rest of the world have horrible ones. Let’s not give these people any more credit than they deserve, which is none. Again, great review and keep it up.

    • WTF are you talking about you do know this is a joke right?

  2. Not to mention its sexist. Why are all the bitches in the game low on health and power?! Fuckin japs

    • Well ya, especially when they are dressed up like prostitutes. That’s how sick the japanese men developers are. Putting too much sex appeal on women. I am not a woman, but I find it very offensive.

      • Hey, i agree with all of the people who hate this stupid game. Why? I’ll explain to all of you. First off, this game has done the same thing over and over about the storyline. That guy(Derek “Punchfister” Deebag) is totally right. You just hear about the storyline of Guile and M.Bison, it’s just the same thing they repeat it all over again. Lame!. Second, think about this, have you ever play tekken or soul calibur? Those are real figthing game, man. This is the era of 3D now, not 2D. Yet they still make this game in 2D. What a bullshit! Why do we have to play a 2D game? When i played that stupid game, i only have jump, crouch, dash and backward. That game has nothing at all. I think maybe, just maybe, the only reason i play that stupid game that is because it has my favorite character based on Bruce Lee, is Fei Long. He has the Ultra I rekkashingeki and the ultra II, gekirinken ends up with the one inch punch! Third of all, this game does have unbalance characters. I mean, you have too much of characters who shoot some fireball but you have too few characters that fight with both hands. Of all the street fighter series, do you see that this game is so Japanese? It is so uptight, in both game and movie. And one guy even wrote like this: “Umm… dude… you do make some points… but… you’re an idiot.
        First off, unbalanced? Sagat maybe the “best” character in the game, but it’s not like a 12 year old, whose playing SF4 for the first time, can just pick up the controller and flat out beat good players. SF4 is the first fighting game were I feel like you need actual skill to win consistently. I’d put money on the table that good Vega players would wipe the flood against Sagat, Zangief, Ryu, Bison, and Balrog scrubs (I think that’s the top 5 tier). Same goes for Rose, Dan, Dhalsim, and El Fuerte’.
        Second… 50? 50!? you kidding me!? You practically prove your first point if there was 50. Think about it, how hard is it to balance out a game with 50 characters? You’d might not see 30% of the cast being used, online, offline, tournaments, anywhere. For me, at the most 30, and when I do think about it, that be pushing it.
        Now, you make a good point about rankings, but… Championship mode. If Capcom got rid of the Rank Matches, and replaced it with CM, you’d think it’s one of the best ranking systems in fighting games. When someone levels up to G2-E, they don’t get a free point for losing in the first round, good players go on to tougher ranks, and it keeps the scrubs lower then the good players. Ok, so I’m over hyping it, but it’s still better then normal rank matches, agree?
        Also, yes there’s lag, but that’s why the stats bar is there. Why on earth would you play someone with a one red bar. That yells out lag. I try to avoid those players so I can have no lag. Com’on man!
        Finally, if fighting games had good story lines to them, they’d be action games, not fighting games. Think about it, very character has his/her own ending, the good guys and bad guys. Why put the effort into the story so that one character wins?… Ok, lets say it’s one story line where Ryu wins the whole thing and everyone else loses. Why? Ryu has the one good ending, everyone else lost “but then I when on to do this”. Stupid. I rather have alternative endings in my fighting games then be let down by realizing my favorite character he really lost half way into it and ends with some sob story. If you want a good story, play Metal Gear, Halo, God of War, Final Fantasy, what ever, but not fighting games.
        One more thing… I don’t know what your problem is with Vega, but deal with it. He’s awesome. Even if he’s the lost tier. Also, I don’t like Seth’s name but he’s grown on me. And now, may the profanity commence!”
        He said that street fighter is the first fighting game. First my ass! Street fighter is not the first. If you don’t believe me. Look it up on Second, he said this : “I don’t know what your problem is with Vega, but deal with it. He’s awesome. Even if he’s the lost tier. Also, I don’t like Seth’s name but he’s grown on me”. Vega is a fucking fag and he looks like a bitch. He only loves himself because the storyline of this guy says that he’s proud of his beauty. Stupid! And the reason why i see everybody likes this game so fucking much just because it’s popular and many people play it! If you only rush in the game that everybody plays, you will never realise a shit! If i play fighting game, i’d rather play mortal kombat 9 or tekken tag tournament 2, all the 3D stuff, man! So, in conclusion, i just have the same idea with that guy: “So, in conclusion, Street Fighter IV and all its different versions just suck. I have found in my trek through the game that newcomers can’t learn how to play the game, Capcom forces its customers to buy a new version every single year, and the game is racist. Do you want to support a game like that? I sure as hell don’t. For those of you who answered yes, enjoy Super Street Fighter Alpha EX Turbo Ultimate Hadouken Arcade Edition next year.” And Street fighter will always be a stupid game like it always is!

  3. I’ve been playing SF for 20 years since I was a teen and SF2 was brand new. Tried the original SF in emulators, didn’t care for it. Was a rather sloppy game. SF2 was much better, and Champion Edition was better than that. Hyper Edition sucked. The game was so fast you could barely do a special move, because you had to do the moves 10 times faster. Then there was Super SF2, and Guile’s moves got rearranged and old school combos didn’t work. Basically Guile has sucked since after SF2CE was released. In Street Fighter Zero 3 Upper Capcom brought him back, and his special moves are weaker than his regular moves, they basically do the same amount of damage as a blocked special move does. The Street Fighter EX series sucks cock. It’s just regular SF2 with a little bit of Super SF2 mixed in with 3D graphics. Ryu’s dragon punch is useless in these games, so are his and Ken’s hurricane kick which look nothing like the hurricane kicks in all the other games, but Ken does get the original looking move back in SF EX2. Even Akuma is worthless to play in this series of games. Fireballs are also useless. Cracker Jack and Garuda are some of the cheapest characters in this series. And WTF is up with those “Excel” moves? What are they excelling at? Total suckiness? They are the same thing as custom combos in the Alpha series, except not nearly as good. The Bonus Stages in SF EX2 Plus are a joke. Let’s see, I have to beat up some semi-transparent asshole who just stands there using only “Excel” powered moves, and most of the time I can’t knock him out, and then the second Bonus Stage I have to kick the shit out of an extremely slow-falling satellite while slow-falling meteorites randomly hit me, otherwise the world blows up? UM WHAT? And what are the rewards? Extra points and a “FREE EXCEL” for one round on the following match after the first BS, and extra points and free super moves for a measily 20 seconds on the first round of the following match after the second BS (BONUS STAGE = BULLSHIT, hence BS). SF EX2 was better than EX2 plus, you got to fight more people and NO BONUS STAGES. The other thing that has pissed me off about the SF series is the introduction of more and more characters using weapons. Vega in SF2, fine, he was an unplayable boss until CE came out and was supposed to a cheating bitch. But then you got Rolento in the Alpha series and some others in the EX series that whip out swords and bow staffs and magic spikes like Garuda. That shit has no place in the SF games. IT’s about fucking time Capcom just created a remake of SF, without all the fancy mystic fireball supermove bullshit and made it like real underground street fighting. Like a story mode where you travel city to city to fight and occasionally word gets out about you being in town and some random asshole challenges you in an alley or, god forbid, ON THE STREET, and wants to fight. “STREET” FIGHTER. Dudes could have random shit like brass knuckles or could grab a 2 by 4 or stick out of the dumpster and use it on you, or you could use it on them. REAL STREET FIGHTING NO RULES, unless you are actually in the ring. Have a referee in there during the fight that could get “accidentally” subdued for a few moments while the crowd tossed in bottles, chairs, weapons, whatever like a wrestling match, shit players can pick up and beat on each other with, just don’t let the referee catch you using them otherwise automatic DQ and back to training and losing a rank for you, not to mention all characters should have a reputation meter indicating whether they fight dirty or clean based on these things. Now that would be a bitchin game. I guess it would be a tiny bit RPG with mostly real boxing/martial arts mixed together. The RPG elements would be gaining levels for Strength (how hard you hit), Agility (basically speed and dodging), Stamina (how much punishment you can take, as well as how much you can block before falling over), Reputation (are you a clean or dirty fighter), Technique (fighting style and how adept you are at it), Defense (sort of like a combo of Agility and Stamina, can you block big hits or lots of hits without going down, better defense equals less chip damage or none at all with certain attacks), shit like that. Tell me that isn’t pure genius for a fighting game. And no round limit, you fight til one of you can’t continue any more. No more “3 rounds one of you has to win” bullshit. Original SF2 allowed for 9 or 10 rounds depending on how many draws there were, you can check this by doing Guile’s “Freeze” glitch on Zangief or Vega. Just don’t hit them or get hit before doing it.

    One last thing, I don’t get this at all with the SF storyline. Ryu and Sagat are ultimate rivals, fine. Ryu scarred Sagat’s chest in a match, the one at the end of the original SF game, fine. But Ryu doesn’t have a burning Dragon Punch in any of the SF games, KEN DOES! How the fuck did he scar Sagat’s chest then? Seems to me Ken is the better of the two original shotokan fighters. He has a better dragon punch (better range, more hits, it burns you), better hurricane kick (more hits, doesn’t knock you down on the first hit, more useful in combos). Sorry, but if they do remake SF the least Capcom could do is either give Ryu the burning dragon punch to make the storyline with him and Sagat make more sense, or change the story so that it’s Ken who is Sagat’s rival, which would probably be better because it would be more of an “East VS West” type of thing. But honestly I’d like all that magic move crap removed. The dragon punch can stay, nothing inhuman about a guy kneeling down and rising up with a huge uppercut, which is all the dragon punch is. Just get rid of the fireballs, burning punches, flying across the screen torpedo move shit that Blanka, Honda, Balrog, Vega and Bison have. No more spinning piledriver crap that can suck you in from 100 feet away like Zangief’s cheap ass has. I’m content with him being a wrestler just keep it “real” (wrestling is fake I know, but imagine if it wasn’t, like high school wrestling). Blanka needs a makeover. Instead of being some big green asshole who can electrocute you make him more realistic, a wild boy who grew up in the jungles of South America with the aid of local tribes who taught him fighting and shaman wisdom. So rather than him rolling into a ball and hitting you or biting you, give him the powers of healing and taking less damage in fights. Chun Li’s lightning leg and Honda’s hundred hand slap have got to go. No real human can perform such outrageous moves. Honda shouldn’t even be able to do a front or back flip. He’s a fucking SUMO WRESTLER! When have you ever seen a Sumo perform such an impossible feat with such a fat ass? He should be one of the hardest characters to play, with a low jump, and his moves should be based around moves using his weight to his advantage, so don’t let him push you around or sit on you. Zangief should actually be balanced to be more agile than Honda, and stronger than him. Zangief should be the strongest physically out of all the characters. Remove some of Zangief’s suck you in moves and let him be the strongest physically, make it real, not cartoony “real”. Like I said no more magic bullshit moves. Get rid of the hurricane kicks and spinning bird kick. A jumping double roundhouse kick with both feet can replace these moves. Real spinning kick moves in martial arts have 2 to 3 hits tops. Not 8 or 9. There needs to be better grab moves as well. Some of the best ones I’ve seen are in the SF EX series by the female characters, like Chun Li’s, go figure. And Fei Long just really doesn’t feel like Bruce Lee in any of the SF games. A jumping roundhouse should be an instant knockdown move, not to mention your character should fly back about 20 to 30 feet on impact. Where is his 6-inch or 1-inch punch?

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