Your Game Sucks: Skyrim Edition

Your Game Sucks: Skyrim Edition

It has been a while, but my hibernation has finally subsided. Fear me, losers, for Derek is back and ready to rip into your cherished games once again. Seriously, I don’t know how you people play this drivel. Today’s specimen is Skyrim. I hear the ’oohs’ and ’aahs’ as I mention this “holy” name. Yes, I will be explaining why this game is a complete waste of time and space (but mostly just time, isn’t this thing longer than your last relationship?). So, sit back, peons as Derek schools you on just why Skyrim sucks.

First things first, I know you kids love your fantasy games filled with trolls, dragons and wenches with their boobs hanging out. You wouldn’t even have the first idea what to do with them (the boobs, not the trolls). Let’s be honest; you all played as women so you could get your freak on with another woman. That is just sick in so many ways. One-handed controllers are not a viable option, so stop trying to perform the weasel polish while slaying dragons with your ’significant’ other.

Beware of my magic arrow of virginity.


Speaking of all this fantasy crap, who seriously wants to run around shooting wooden arrows at bears or taking the time to swing a sword? Grab a gun and annihilate people in a real game like Duke Nukem or something. I spent most of my time running from place to place in this game only to be attacked and killed on a hill by a f#$%ing mountain lion. Guess what; I had to walk all the way back because the game decided not to save my progress. What torturous hell is this? This game is more about walking than actually playing, which I guess isn’t a bad thing considering that the walking mechanic is far more enjoyable than the rest of the stuff.

So, you can carry like 800 pounds of crap, but carry 801 and all of a sudden your character starts slogging along like they just poured cement in their shoes. Seriously man, sack up and get a backpack or something. You can sit around and chat with people and all of them want the same damn thing. Hey worthy adventurer, can you go collect fourteen purple fish eggs for me so I can save my daughter from a life of crime? If you do, I will waste twenty minutes of your time and give you a gold nugget shaped like a fox. I mean who would do that? Such a waste of time.

I finally got around to fighting some enemies, and man, I thought the game sucked already. Here I am swinging my sword around like one of (offensive slur removed). Sometimes I hit something, but most of the time I just hit a wall, or worse yet, air. Yeah that is really fun. Let me level up that skill so I can get better at swinging this giant sword, because we all know adding points to something immediately removes our inability to be a man. Of course, if any of the enemies would do anything besides swinging sporadically back at you the game might be a challenge. Instead, you can always just run up a hill and get them stuck in the world; great job at programming there.

See that mountain? Yeah walking there will be the most fun you have.


So, let’s talk about technical things now. I tried to play Skyrim for more than an hour, but apparently the developers felt that was too much. You see the game constantly crashes on me. Dragons start flying backward, and people begin appearing in the ground. Yeah, that totally engulfs me in your fantasy world that was already stupid to begin with. Combine that with the fact that it takes me two hours to walk to some hut in the mountains, only to have the game freeze up and force me to do it all over again. Nope. That is not something I am going to do. You can take your trolls and your giants and shove them up your-

So now let’s talk about those visuals eh? You see the entire world of Skyrim looks like someone ate a bag of leaves and then vomited on a tree. I have seriously never seen so many dark areas and excessive use of brown. Did I also mention that those maidens you are fantasizing over look like stocky men most of the time. People are also apparently drones when you talk to them, showcasing zero movement and no emotion in their faces. Why should I care that your dog ate your wooden marital aid if you can’t convey your sense of desperation to me? Oh, why do I even bother anymore?

You guys make it so simple. You play these terrible games and then come here to tell me how wrong I am because I simply speak the truth. Have you really ever taken a step back and looked at the crap you are playing? This stuff is absolutely atrocious. Games like Skyrim make me sad for today’s youth. It seems everyone wants to put on a suit of armor, grow some boobs and swing a sword at dead air while dragons fly past you backwards. Yeah, tell that to your date and see how fast her underwear comes off. Skyrim sucks, and so do you.

I am Derek. You are not. Sucks to be you.

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