Your Game Sucks: Metal Gear Solid Edition

Your Game Sucks: Metal Gear Solid Edition

Each week when I sit down to figure out which game to tell you losers is crap, I think to myself, “Derek, why are you so awesome?” Easy answer right? Well, that is how I felt when I came up with the idea to talk about a sacred cow among gaming nerds: Metal Gear Solid.

First off, the protagonist (or at least the one you play for a couple of the games), Solid Snake, is about as lame as they come. I mean he has a mullet, wears a generic bandana and talks in a ridiculously over exaggerated accent to try and sound cooler. Also, why does he have to answer every question by repeating what you just said? What you just said? See what I mean? It is annoying. Annoying?!?

Now, let’s get down to business. There are what, like twenty of these games currently out on everything PlayStation. Metal Gear is a stealth game where you sneak around military complexes while engaging in dialogue that would bore a tweed-jacketed college professor and so much political jargon that even the President would tell you to get a life. Seriously, if the developers want to push their propaganda perhaps they should write a book (and not that crappy fake book in Metal Gear Solid 2). The last thing I want is to hear about how nuclear missiles will destroy the world, everyone knows that Chuck Norris will just roundhouse that WMD back to whatever silo wants to fire on the good ole’ USA.

Yo Taylor, Ima let you finish, but first you need to hang out in this locker.

As I said, you sneak around, which is hilarious considering you spend so much time on your little earpiece gabbing with friends. Enemies would easily hear your gossiping and come and kick your ass without haste. Also, knocking on the wall and smoking cigarettes must be the new undercover specialty. In the third, game they give you camouflage to hide in the forest, which is hilarious, because I can clearly see him moving around in the grass yet these supposed Special Forces soldiers just get exclamation points above their head and go about patrolling. They must be blind or stupid, or both. One of them, in every game is blind, stupid and has the runs. Yup. Poop jokes. Usually, I love those, but if you can’t actually see the guy’s face while he is in agony, it’s just not worth it.

Now, if everything I already talked about wasn’t stupid enough, let’s talk controls. Up until the fourth game (or the tenth if you count all the side crap), this game played like the developers wanted you to struggle more with the controls than actually enjoy the game. The top down camera and stilted movement made me want to punch Kojima and his team right in the ear. Seriously, what an annoying and frustrating control scheme. You want to run and shoot? Well press this button, hold that one down, tap your shoes together and hope you don’t slip your finger off.

Now, I will admit, I tried to follow this story. Snake is some badass who used to be in an elite group of soldiers that kicked ass. Well, his dad was also a badass and he is actually a clone along with his brother(s). Then some people called the Patriots, or La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo (if you are stupid), are doing bad things and some pansy named Raiden becomes a badass and- seriously, I am exhausted. The plot line is about is ridiculous as watching an episode of the Jersey Shore and about as entertaining.

I knew I smelled the sweet scent of espionage!

Apparently there are nerds out there who live and die by this crap and write fan fiction about their fantasies of being Snake and “love blooming on a battlefield.” What. Crap. The only thing the battlefield should be covered with is blood and the bodies of your enemies. Seriously, who wants to tear up when Snake and Otacon hug? You are a pansy, grow a pair. Real men bump fists and pat each others’ butts. Army of Two is the first game to get that right.

I hope the next game is less chatty and more kick-ass, but I doubt it considering Snake is not the star. Raiden will be here slicing watermelons in half and being a wuss like always. This game does not make me feel like a badass, more like a 14-year old girl who spends way too much time texting or talking on the phone. If Snake kicked as much ass as he talked, he might have a chance against Chuck Norris, but he would still lose. No sneaking around the truth here, this game sucks.

I am Derek. You are not. Sucks to be you.

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