Your Game Sucks: Metal Gear Solid Edition

Each week when I sit down to figure out which game to tell you losers is crap, I think to myself, “Derek, why are you so awesome?” Easy answer right? Well, that is how I felt when I came up with the idea to talk about a sacred cow among gaming nerds: Metal Gear Solid.

First off, the protagonist (or at least the one you play for a couple of the games), Solid Snake, is about as lame as they come. I mean he has a mullet, wears a generic bandana and talks in a ridiculously over exaggerated accent to try and sound cooler. Also, why does he have to answer every question by repeating what you just said? What you just said? See what I mean? It is annoying. Annoying?!?

Now, let’s get down to business. There are what, like twenty of these games currently out on everything PlayStation. Metal Gear is a stealth game where you sneak around military complexes while engaging in dialogue that would bore a tweed-jacketed college professor and so much political jargon that even the President would tell you to get a life. Seriously, if the developers want to push their propaganda perhaps they should write a book (and not that crappy fake book in Metal Gear Solid 2). The last thing I want is to hear about how nuclear missiles will destroy the world, everyone knows that Chuck Norris will just roundhouse that WMD back to whatever silo wants to fire on the good ole’ USA.

Yo Taylor, Ima let you finish, but first you need to hang out in this locker.

As I said, you sneak around, which is hilarious considering you spend so much time on your little earpiece gabbing with friends. Enemies would easily hear your gossiping and come and kick your ass without haste. Also, knocking on the wall and smoking cigarettes must be the new undercover specialty. In the third, game they give you camouflage to hide in the forest, which is hilarious, because I can clearly see him moving around in the grass yet these supposed Special Forces soldiers just get exclamation points above their head and go about patrolling. They must be blind or stupid, or both. One of them, in every game is blind, stupid and has the runs. Yup. Poop jokes. Usually, I love those, but if you can’t actually see the guy’s face while he is in agony, it’s just not worth it.

Now, if everything I already talked about wasn’t stupid enough, let’s talk controls. Up until the fourth game (or the tenth if you count all the side crap), this game played like the developers wanted you to struggle more with the controls than actually enjoy the game. The top down camera and stilted movement made me want to punch Kojima and his team right in the ear. Seriously, what an annoying and frustrating control scheme. You want to run and shoot? Well press this button, hold that one down, tap your shoes together and hope you don’t slip your finger off.

Now, I will admit, I tried to follow this story. Snake is some badass who used to be in an elite group of soldiers that kicked ass. Well, his dad was also a badass and he is actually a clone along with his brother(s). Then some people called the Patriots, or La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo (if you are stupid), are doing bad things and some pansy named Raiden becomes a badass and- seriously, I am exhausted. The plot line is about is ridiculous as watching an episode of the Jersey Shore and about as entertaining.

I knew I smelled the sweet scent of espionage!

Apparently there are nerds out there who live and die by this crap and write fan fiction about their fantasies of being Snake and “love blooming on a battlefield.” What. Crap. The only thing the battlefield should be covered with is blood and the bodies of your enemies. Seriously, who wants to tear up when Snake and Otacon hug? You are a pansy, grow a pair. Real men bump fists and pat each others’ butts. Army of Two is the first game to get that right.

I hope the next game is less chatty and more kick-ass, but I doubt it considering Snake is not the star. Raiden will be here slicing watermelons in half and being a wuss like always. This game does not make me feel like a badass, more like a 14-year old girl who spends way too much time texting or talking on the phone. If Snake kicked as much ass as he talked, he might have a chance against Chuck Norris, but he would still lose. No sneaking around the truth here, this game sucks.

Derek "Punchfister" Deebag

I am Derek. You are not. Sucks to be you.

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  • Ricky

    You’re not funny.

    • FrustratedFury

      Ricky is funny.

  • endo

    the writer is entitled to his opinion but really man? complaining about his appearance and the dialogue? im sure it was too complex for u to understand so ill leave it alone. also you’re not funny!

  • beLIEve

    …And still this game series will have a greater impact on mankind than you and all your descendants…

  • Todd A Coco

    I think the main reason that MGS is so popular is still due to the fact that it broke so many barriers when it hit the PlayStation one. It was a Matrix “movie #1″ moment. I can still remember watching someone playing the demo at Walmart saying Just “WOW” I did not think a console game could do these things. I bought the game on the spot.

    All of that being said, I still hate the controls. Nothing seems natural on the controller to me and I always feel like I fight the controls more than the enemy. I’ve played them all and I agree about the story is preachy crap. Give me a good Tom Clancy type yarn any day.

    I keep hoping that “WOW” moment will return. I doubt it will happen slicing fruit.

  • For the lulz

    This was strictly made for link baiting as the author of this crap article doesn’t properly explain why he hates the series. Instead he makes Chuck Norris jokes that were funny years ago,insults a character just on his looks and basically whines about a series that is mega popular for the right reasons.

    If the Metal Gear Solid story is too complicated for you,then look elsewhere. It’s not Kojima’s fault that you’re too stupid to understand its complexity.

    Finally insulting nerd for liking this just makes you look like a sore loser.

    • Michael “PaladinXII” Futter

      The Your Games Sucks pieces are satirical, which is why we let our imaginary friend, Derek Deebag live up to his name on our behalf. Perhaps you might consider reading them with tongue firmly planted in cheek in order to derive maximum benefit.

      Take two and call us in the morning.

      • For the lulz

        Satire implies humor and intelligence which you lack in both. has a better grasp at this so why don’t you go over there and learn from the best.
        I don’t believe you for a second. And wow a character that is a douchebag except without anything remotely interesting.

        You need to either strive to improve yourself or give this us because you’re not impressing anybody.

        • Michael “PaladinXII” Futter

          Have you considered talking to a professional about your trust issues? We created a character named “Derek Deebag.” I’m not sure how much more obvious you can get.

          I’ll clue you in on something, though. The person who wrote this particular YGS piece absolutely loves MGS. The person who wrote the Batman:AA piece thinks that Batman is not just the best superhero game ever made, but one of the best games ever made PERIOD. He is so excited for Arkham City that he took it as a personal affront when people released a spoiler in the headline.

          I’m not sure what there is to doubt about my assertion. Derek Deebag is not real. He does not have a SSN. He may be an illegal alien, though. I suppose it’s possible.

          Anyway, thanks for stopping by and commenting… multiple times. Of course, your name is “For the lulz” so you are either pulling our chains (if so, good on you, sir; you win), or you come down on the side of those neckbearded assclowns that use that as their rallying cry.

          As for, son, I was reading Cracked magazine (ya know, the printed one) while you were in diapers. MAD Magazine was better.

          • For the lulz

            Does it look like I care? Whether he is a real character or not is not the point. Let me put it into words that you can understand:you’re as unlikable and charming as the Irate Gamer and he too is a character as well as any other stupid internet celebrity I can name.

            As for the jab at my username,I figure since Deebag shows no respect,then he deserves none back. In any case,a name doesn’t mean jackshit.

            And you further prove why you’re just a pathetic waste of space by insulting me personally of my age and asking if I need professional help. While I was simply criticizing your writing abilities.

            That’s your opinion and all,but I disagree. Maybe one day you might write something that is above the levels of abysmal but before that you need a slice of humble pie.

          • Michael “PaladinXII” Futter

            Wow. You can dish it out, but can’t take it, I see.

            “Satire implies humor and intelligence which you lack in both.” Now, that wasn’t very nice, now was it?

            The implication that you “need professional help” was simply because you refuse to believe that Deebag is a character and not a real person. (“I don’t believe you for a second,” is what you said.)

            So, after coming here and insulting us “personally of my age” and criticizing our writing style (“of my age?” and you criticize OUR writing?), you can’t seem to handle the rebuttal. If you’re gonna troll, you might want to put on your big boy pants.

  • FrustratedFury

    Me no likey what he said. Me anonymous. Me go to site and make fun of writer and suggest other sites to go to besides this one….wait…why did me come to this to begin with? Website just try to get hits…I give them hits…trickery….CAVEMAN NO LIKE!

    • Does it matter?

      It wasn’t nice but it is true. Go open a dictionary why don’t you. You clearly have no understanding of sarcasm so explaining it to you would be fruitless.

      You have no rebuttal so for you to be saying that I can dish it but not take makes absolutely no sense. I am just amazed at your complete lack of ability of handling criticism. I already explained why this article sucks. Hint not everyone is going to nice about it. Either deal with it or quit while you’re ahead.

      The word troll is so overused and misinterpreted that it’s not even funny anymore. Do try and be a bit more original.

      What can I say,FrustratedFury(cute name by the way. Tells me all I need to know) I am entertained by morons lacking the ability to properly explain why they dislike something. After all movie goers seem to love watching crap these days. Who doesn’t enjoy watching a train wreck.

      You should be proud that anyone is giving your hits for this website.

      And all of your comments have been negative meaning you are not doing that good of a job. Enjoy the fact that you have very little people that like your material.

      • FrustratedFury

        You are my favorite commenter. I’m not kidding. You have been coming back to this article time and time again to see if people have responded to your comments. I love it. You know why? You keep coming back. The ones who hate us the most are the ones that are the most loyal. Keep coming back. I’ll respond to your comments every time. I swear to God. Keep coming back. Keep giving us hits. That’s why we do this. You fuel this website, and for that, I thank you.

        • Does It matter

          Eventually you’ll get bored and cease this tomfoolery because in the end if your site gets the awful kind of notoriety nobody else is going to check it out besides a few other lurkers who loves to read how a no name unimportant jackass knows nothing about games and insults games that don’t deserve it.

          And I know for sure that in order to keep it up and running it’s going to take a lot more than one person visiting it.

          I hardly call it being loyal but whatever dude.

          Keep acting like this isn’t bothering you one bit but you’re not fooling anyone except yourself.

          • Michael “PaladinXII” Futter

            Have you bothered to read any of the serious content on the site, or are you basing your entire opinion of us on one feature intended to be sarcastic?

            Have you listened to the podcast? Have you checked in on the Reviewer Rodeo pieces?

            I understand that the YGS pieces aren’t going to be to everyone’s taste, but I think you are judging rather harshly. In fact, you astutely pointed out that the games that we are “insulting” don’t deserve it. You are absolutely correct. Each game we’ve poked fun at is not only well-regarded in the community, but much-loved by our reviewers and editors.

            I know you don’t believe that these are *intended* as humorous (how they come across to individual readers is a separate discussion), but I assure you that they are.

            The individual who wrote this piece has completed MGS about 20 times (the same goes for me, with others not falling far behind). If you want to be mistrustful of our intentions, that’s your business. I can’t do anything but be honest, though.

          • FrustratedFury

            I’m not fooling anyone. Especially myself. Here’s the question of the hour: Do you want this website to fail? If you answered yes, STOP COMING TO IT. If you answered no, then keep coming back. It’s that simple. I’m not the jackass here, but I sure as hell know one jackass that keeps coming back.

          • Kee

            Hey, guy who has many names. Get a life. All the other readers who visit this site are laughing at your stupid comments, including me. I cannot believe you’ve been throwing abuse at these people for 2 months now over nothing. If you don’t wanna read their stuff, don’t read it.

            Bear in mind the article is meant as a joke. If you think you can do better, then write your own article for your own website and stop trolling this comment box, you sad lunatic.

            …No offense.