Your Game Sucks: LIMBO Edition

So, last week one of the other guys here did a review of that game LIMBO that came out last year. Apparently, someone decided to spread the pain and torture PC and PS3 users with that “game.” See, LIMBO isn’t the kind of game I would normally play, but one of my broham’s iced me and I was already puking my guts out, so he told me that I could get out of chugging the Smirnof if I played LIMBO. I should have taken the alcohol poisoning and considered myself lucky.

Now, I read the review that we posted and all of the crap that Futter got for it. If you think that was bad, get ready to crap your pants like… well… like I did that time I got iced and was puking so bad that I agreed to play this turd of a game. LIMBO sucks.

First, the game starts and your character is dead or sleeping or drunk from getting iced too many times. Seriously, who gives a crap? Obviously, not the guy who made the game, because they don’t tell you why the hell you’re asleep in the forest. You know who else doesn’t care? Me. The game doesn’t have a story, so I don’t have to fake having an emotion about it other than hate. At least you don’t stay in the forest; you get to go to a hotel and then some factory. None of this stuff makes any sense. I’m just surprised there was no lava level in the damn game.

That’s me in the background after 20 minutes with this game.

The entire time I was playing LIMBO, I was waiting for the real game to start. Everyone knows that real games are in color. You know who wants to play a game that’s in black and white? Grandmas that are too stupid to play the Wii. “Oh, look, Derek. It’s in black and white, just like when I got my first television.” Ya know what, Grandma? That’s cool. I love you. Nobody better talk crap about my Grandma. Got it?

So, you keep on going through the forest and then the other areas and the game is cheap as hell. Oh, look, that tree is a spider. Oh, no. Someone randomly left this bear trap on the ground and hid it behind fuzzy black and white grass. This game’s enemies are stupid. Did the kid piss off the bear trap factory foreman or something? Did he step on a spider baby? Oh, and there are some people that try to kill you once or twice. I think LIMBO is a commentary on child labor. That’s the way these art games work, right? I get to make up my own story about the game? Maybe the kid had a bunch of different jobs: park ranger, exterminator, bear trap assembly line worker, hotel maid. The moral of the story is that work sucks and it’s better to get eviscerated by a bear trap. The. End.

The worst part of this game is the clichéd bullcrap. There’s even an “our princess is in another castle” moment in the game. Maybe behind that shadow, the boy is really Mario. That would explain all the jobs. Super Mario Brothers had better music, too. That is to say, it had music. This game would have been so much better with a soundtrack by Nickelback. This is how you remind me… to shut this game off.

Later in the game, there are actually some guns… but you don’t get to use them. What kind of game is this? It teases you with firepower and then doesn’t let you blow crap up? Lame. Of course, the game controls so poorly that the guns would probably backfire and blow your head off if you tried to use them. That’s what happens when you only use two buttons on the controller. The developers should have left this game where it belongs: on the NES.

The tree became a spider. That is the dumbest thing I have ever seen.

At the very end, and there is a spoiler coming (even though the statue of limitations on spoilers for this game has got to be up), you randomly end up flying in slow motion… back to where you were when the “game” started. Way to rip off Ghosts & Goblins, losers.

Then you find the princess and the game ends. Thank god.

The best thing I can say about LIMBO is that being honest about how much it sucks pisses people off. You must be the same people that still think Catcher in the Rye is the greatest book ever written and can’t wait until the next Twilight book comes out. Boo hoo. Someone told me that they didn’t like my favoritest game ever. Get over yourselves, people. LIMBO sucks.