Your Game Sucks: Gears of War Edition

Your Game Sucks: Gears of War Edition

Hey, you Gears of War fanboys. That game you love so much? It. Sucks.

In fact, I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that the game is clearly liberal propaganda or that you are too dumb to realize it. “But, Punchfister, ol’ pal,” I can hear you say, “Gears of War is about steroid-fueled dudebros that chainsaw shit.” Well, my friends, that’s how the hippies draw you in. Let’s take a look at what Gears of War is really about.

First, the game doesn’t take place in America. If Epic, the makers of Gears of War, weren’t hippies, they would set the game in the best damn country that God ever gave to this Earth. Duh.


Your alien powers are no match for my tree-trunk like physique!

Second, Gears of War is about a country (that isn’t America – ugh) that took advantage of the energy resources that God put in the ground to make their society better. As a result, their civilization (which isn’t American – ugh) is attacked by nature in the form of “Locust.”

Third, the soldiers in Gears of War are losing! The “blame America first” crowd just loves to see the good guys (America, fuck yeah!) lose to the bad guys. In fact, there is one family in the game, the Carmines, that has a member die in each game. Of course, they all look the same and the creators aren’t man enough to show the Carmines without their helmets, so we have to take their word that they are all part of the same family. Lazy. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. So, the Epic hippies show a member of the family die in each game to demonstrate the “horrors” of war.

War isn’t horrible. It’s awesome. There are chainsaws on guns and stuff. Heck, Epic even killed this big Native American looking dude in Gears 2 (not that this game actually takes place in America – ugh). More liberal agenda crap about white men (the Locust are super pasty) killing the indigenous people. Get over it. It happened, like, a century ago.

Let’s talk about the game play a little bit. You play this steroidal sack of meat named Marcus Fenix. Really? Fenix? See, that’s condescending liberal bullshit. We know that “Ph” makes an “F” sound, Epic. This is America. In the game you run from short wall to short wall hiding from your enemies. That’s right. Hiding. That’s not American. No patriot would hide. We rush in and kick some ass.


These colors don’t run, well…because there are none!

In the game, you use something called the “Roadie Run” to move from cover to cover. Roadies? This game has an inferiority complex. It should be “Rockstar Run” or “Pornstar Run” or “I’m Gonna Chainsaw Your Face Run.”

The game also deals with emotional crap. This is cleary some left-wing plot to get us to believe that our troops have feelings. Every red-blooded American (and this game doesn’t take place in America – ugh) knows that our armed forces are cold-hearted killing machines. There’s no room for feelings on the battlefield (mental note: tell you how much Metal Gear Solid sucks). That’s hippie crap.

Also, the game makes soldiers out to be complete morons. Your main partner in the game, Dom “Duh… Bullets Make Me Feel Yummy” Santiago can’t manage to stay on his feet for two seconds at a time. Of course, with a name like Santiago (that’s French, right?), it’s no surprise that he can’t fight worth anything. Boo hoo, Dom. I know you miss your husk of a wife, but man up. This is… wait… no… this is NOT America. Ugh.

I have no hope that the last game in the trilogy will be any better. I don’t care how many people played the beta. You may think you liked it, but you’re wrong. When Gears of War 3 comes out this fall, you can choose to buy it and support the liberal agenda, or you can get a t-shirt that says Drill, Baby, Drill. It’s one or the other, and that game sucks.

I am Derek. You are not. Sucks to be you.

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