Your Game Sucks: Call of Duty Edition

Call of Duty. One of the best selling game franchises that has ever been produced. There is no denying the fact that people love this franchise. If you know me, it’s now surprise that it blows my mind how successful Call of Duty is considering how much the games suck.

Let’s start off from the beginning, Call of Duty; originally a World War II first person shooter, yeah, the one war that hasn’t been played to death. People liked it, but even back then, Medal of Honor was still holding the crown of D-Day simulators. So, what do they decide to do? Release a crap-ton more Call of Duty games based in World War II! We got The Finest Hour on the consoles, Big Red One (not sure if it’s the chewing gum or Clifford they are talking about), Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3. All based on World War II. This is almost as bad as the amount of Street Fighter games. I mean, I can only play the invasion of Normandy so many times before my eyes bleed. We get it. We kicked ass at Normandy. America, F yeah!


Look Ma! Storming Normandy…again!

Now, to make matters worse, since Activision wants to pump out games faster than the Octo-mom squeezes out babies, they had to get two studios to develop these games: Infinity Ward and Treyarch. What quickly ended up happening was people noticed the quality of the games start to circle the drain. So, you would play Infinity Ward’s Call of Duty that would suck, and the year after, play Treyarch’s Call of Duty that sucked even more ass.

The stories were the same old military nonsense. “We gotta get over to Bravo and destroy the artillery guns! Oh, No! They’re flanking us!” Blah, blah. Just remember: Nazi’s are bad guys, shoot them, you win.

But wait! Infinity Ward said, “We’re sick of being stuck in the 1940’s!” So they come out with Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Now THIS is a big change. Instead of shooting Nazis, you’re shooting terrorists, AKA Nazis from the Middle East. This time they put a story in the game. I take that back. They TRIED to put a story in the game. What actually happens is a mix of convoluted story arcs and constant changing of characters in the middle of the game. And the dialog now makes even less sense. OMG, we’re FUBAR, Captain Snafu! I saw a fox trot over to Oscar, Mike!

Oh, good. Now it’s time for Treyarch’s game, and we’re back in World…War…II?…OK. So, what happened to the story in Modern Warfare? Do you play as Modern Warfare’s main character’s grandfather? Nope (because there is no “main character” in Modern Warfare). It’s going to be a separate game from now on. Why? Oh, just because. At least the title fits, Call of Duty: World at War. A lot of people were kinda pissed that it was going to be back to World War II, but they still bought it. Why complain if you’re going to still buy it? One word: Baaaaaaaaaaa. Nazis made this special gas that kills everything, and we have to stop them. The end. Oh, let’s not forget one other little thing. What’s more overused than World War II? Yep, you guessed it: Zombies. Guess what was added to Call of Duty? Nazi zombies. Ugh. In fact, more people wanted to play the zombie mode than the actual multiplayer.


Terrorists your game is through, now you have to answer to, AMERICA! F#$% Yeah!

Another year goes by; Infinity Ward comes out with Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. What number are we on, again? Also, we’re back in present day? Why do we have to time travel? I feel like I’m in a bad episode of Quantum Leap, the one where Sam leaps into the pregnant lady. And then his water breaks. And out comes Call of Duty from his lady man (man lady?) parts. This one takes place after Call of Duty 4, and has most of the same characters from that game. Oh, snap! This time, the United States is being invaded by, Russia? Nazis from the Middle East? Both of them? Hell, I can’t tell anymore. Like I said, shoot bad guys, and apparently, civilians in a crowded airport. Fun.

Finally, Treyarch has decided to join us in the real world and release Call of Duty: Black Ops that takes place in 1968…well, at least we’re out of the 1940’s. This time we’re fighting bad guys from all over the place. The Nazi gas that was introduced in World at War is back and conspiracies are all around. The story is confusing enough as it is. Don’t go adding more crap to the confusion. Oh, and ZOMBIES! Yeah, it’s a staple now. I’ve even heard people say they will be pissed if the zombie mode isn’t back in the next game. How’s about this, PLAY LEFT 4 DEAD.

Let’s not forget, Infinity Ward’s next Modern Warfare game is coming out later this year. Oh, that’s right. Infinity Ward’s not making Call of Duty 8: Modern Warfare 3 Prestige Hyper Combo Edition. Activision canned them and said “ANYONE can make a Call of Duty game! It’s easy!” Maybe Infinity Ward saw the light and decided to make decent games. Good for them. Now we have split the game into to development teams: Sledgehammer Games and Raven Software. Let’s see how convoluted we can get.


Has anyone seen my chocolate milk anywhere?

Of course, everyone loves the multiplayer of the Call of Duty games. That’s why they are so successful. I don’t get it, why play the exact same game over and over each year? “Oh, but this time you can put tags on your profile and that way EVERYONE can see how much I like smoking weed.” Way to hit your target demographic, developers. Ever since Call of Duty 4, the same game has been released every year: same multiplayer, same single player. The only thing that’s changed is a few new guns, new perks, and new maps. Don’t worry, though, if you miss the old maps, they’ll rehash them for you and give you three of them for $15. Enjoy getting ripped off. Baaaaaaaaaaaa.

So there’s a history lesson of suckage for the Call of Duty franchise. People keep buying it every year and Activision will keep pumping them out. Pretty soon, the next Call of Duty will just have a roster update for you. In fact, if you keep this up, they may even throw in John Madden commentary to give it that authentic feel. “I think whatever team has the most kills at the end of the game is going to be the winner.” “Boom! He put some mustard on that grenade.”

I’m throwing a pre-emptive strike to the inevitable haters of this article. No, I do not think Battlefield is a better game. I hate those comparisons. Battlefield sucks just as bad as Call of Duty does, but that is a topic for another time. Call of Duty, you just plain suck.

Derek "Punchfister" Deebag

I am Derek. You are not. Sucks to be you.

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