Your Game Sucks: Batman Arkham Asylum Edition

Your Game Sucks: Batman Arkham Asylum Edition

So, I decided to take a break from playing crappy games to play, well, a crappier game. Everyone knows who Batman is. He is that whining super hero, who complains constantly about his parents dying while dressing up liked a winged rat to scare criminals. Seriously, if I saw a man dressed like that in real life, I would punch him right on the tip for being a creeper. Dude, get a job, or better yet, join the real crime fighting brigade known as the U.S. Army!

So, this latest game has Bruce “I Miss my Mommy” Wayne as he fumbles his way around Arkham Asylum trying to stop the Joker. You see, there is your first problem with Batman. When a clown can be your bitter rival, it is hard for me to take you seriously. I mean, he makes balloon animals and wears funny shoes; then again, you wear your underwear on the outside of your costume so…

Normal people are committed for dressing like this, dead parents or not.

Anyway, back to the game. First up for being a badass, Mr. Bats has to constantly sneak around guys with guns. Seriously, if you are so awesome why not run in there and dodge the bullets with your awesome agility Rat Boy? Also, what is up with all the gadgets? Apparently, Batman can’t take a piss without connecting a grappling hook to a ledge first. I spent the bulk of my time hiding from enemies, which is something a true hero never does. Batman has more in common with a certain farm animal than the vampiric dwellers of the night.

You encounter all of the bad guys, including Scarecrow, who makes Batman cry because he misses his parents. Good on him. This billionaire playboy has everything and he wants me to feel sorry for him? Fat chance, Bruce. Then, you have Killer Croc, who looks badass but ends up constantly falling down when you slap him with a batarang. I mean, what kind of crap is that? An eight-foot tall crocodile is silenced by a small metal toy? The realism in this game is just absurd. If I were Croc, I would snap that little flying rodent in half and teabag his face. Then again, I am also not wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants, which actually makes me a real man.

I guess we can talk about the actual gameplay here if you want, but why bother? It is crap. Batman walks like he has a corncob up his ass, and maneuvering around the world is a chore. This is funny, considering all those fancy gadgets he has. Maybe he picked up his utility belt at the $0.99 store because this bat has no mobility; I mean, for crying out loud, he can’t even jump on his own. Bruce should start taking lessons from the greatest superhero of them all: Captain America. Now there is a guy who gets it right. He is a real soldier, not some pampered bitch, and he wears the true colors of a hero: the good old red, white and blue.

If I had all your money and that suit, I would be a badass too.

Have I mentioned yet how truly stupid the villains in this game are? You have this hot chick, Poison Ivy, who is more interested in seducing a sunflower than being with a real man. Then you have Harley Quinn, who basically serves as Joker’s abuse toy. Her voice is also annoying as all hell, and now I fully understand why the J-man wants nothing to do with her half the time either. Then, you have Bane, who runs himself into walls with that large cerebral black hole of his. Next time wear a helmet, dumbass. The only halfway cool character was Scarecrow, because he makes poor Bruce cry for his dead parents. Then again, when Batman finally catches him he cries like a bitch, so I suppose he isn’t all that either.

Batman is a lame character that has no super powers and relies on fancy gadgets to stop criminals. If I was as rich as this pretty boy, I could wear my underwear on the outside of my pants, too, and not have people make fun of me. Arkham Asylum is where the nut job belongs, so hopefully he stays there. I don’t understand what all the fuss is about; I felt less like a super hero, and more like the Dork Knight. This game sucks, and if you think otherwise, your opinion is wrong.

I am Derek. You are not. Sucks to be you.

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