If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s games that try to teach me something. I don’t play puzzle games because they make me think. I don’t like to think. I don’t play strategy games because I don’t get to shoot anyone myself. I like to shoot fools. I don’t play stealth games because hiding is for losers. I rush in like my hero, Leeeeeeeeroy Jenkins. So, in the spirit of that great man, this week I’m telling you why Assassins Creed sucks. History is boring. Let’s do this!
One of my friends, and I use that term loosely because no one is good enough to be Punchfister’s friend, convinced me to play Assassins Creed because he thought I’d like it. I don’t like it and, now, I don’t like him. He has to ride bitch whenever I drive. I was trying to do the guy a solid by playing through the whole thing, but I just wanted to reach into the screen and slap all those white-robed weenies until they picked up a gun to shoot someone.
I’m gonna steal your monies!
Assassins Creed is the story of a butcher or woodworker or something that lost a finger in a tragic meatpacking or table saw accident and got a prosthetic knife to replace it. First of all, that’s stupid. Knives don’t make good fingers. Second, pirates did it first and they rocked a whole hook hand thing. Anyway, this guy named Alter pisses off his boss who takes all of his weapons away like Alter is a child. I think his name is Alter because after he was stupid enough to cut his finger off cleaning out his lawnmower or something, it changed him. Lame. In order to get his toys back, Alter needs need kill a bunch of people that his boss doesn’t like. Um, hasn’t he ever heard of the whistleblower protection act? Your employer can’t make you do anything illegal unless you want to, and then you just have to lie and say you didn’t want to do it if you get caught. Works for me every time.
So, Alter has to beat up a bunch of people and pickpocket stuff enough times to get some guy to let him actually kill the Knights of the Round table. By the way, everyone knows that there were no French and English people in the Middle East except for Jesus and his bros. So, you have to kill all these Frogs and Brits for being stupid enough to get lost in Europe so badly they ended up in Israel. Hate crimes ain’t cool bro.
Oh, and once you do, Alter ends up in the future in control of some guy named Desmond who sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber like Michael Jackson and Bubbles the Chimp. When Alter is awake and controlling Desmond, the game is a relationship simulator and there is an achievement for listening to all the stupid stuff that his girlfriend, Kristen Bell, says. Damn, man! Why won’t she just shut up and let me drink my Forty?
So, when Alter is Alter, he’s a giant wussy. You have to hide from all the Knights of the Round Table and sneak up on them and stuff. Sometimes, that means climbing buildings and jumping down on the fools and stabbing them with your prosthetic knife-finger thing. Should just walk up with your gat and pop a cap in the fools, but nooooooooo. Lame. Oh, and if the Knights of the Round Table see you, you have to go and find a gazebo to hide in or jump off a building and magically not die. Riiiiiiiiiight. Here’s what would really happen if some idiot tried that…
Leap of faith my ass.
Anyway, the game finally ends after you get Sleeping Beauty’s poisonous apple and feed it to your boss. Then a map shows up that is really a time machine and transports Alter into the future so he can permanently take control of Desmond and sleep with Kristen Bell or something. All I know is that my game was broken and suddenly ended with some gibberish on the screen after my boss died from eating the poison apple. Maybe this is one of those art games where you have to guess what happens next. I don’t like art. Except for Playboy. I only get that to not read the articles, if ya know what I mean.
Anyway, for some reason, they keep making these games. Maybe people play them for the relationship stuff. That’s big in Japan where these are made, right? For me, I’ll stick to stuff that doesn’t suck… like any game with Superman (a real AMERICAN hero). Punchfister OUT!